Restoring the faith

With the world in turmoil, the Middle East getting worse by the day, the past year has really tested all our faith. Some of us, myself included, have taken to the bottle to restore our faith in the double martini. Others, it seems, have found their faith again as a result of miraculous sightings.

For some, it was the miraculous sight of Boy George shoveling garbage in Manhattan as he worked off his community service sentence for falsely reporting a burglary. Googla, a 25 year of female from NYC, wrote on Flickr "I've waited 25 years to meet this man and here he was, picking up trash along my walking route to work."

His appearance on 42nd street reaffirmed the glorious sermon on the mount; blessed are the poor, and the discarded condoms and other assorted detritus. Indeed the meek shall inheret the earth. And yes, you can actually tatoo a yamaka to your head.

Not everyone was inspired by Boy George's court imposed good deeds. Some in the press really wanted to hurt him, hounding him relentlessly during his first day, others just wanted to make him cry. Former friend Philip Sallon told the Irish Examiner, "I laughed my head off when I saw (the pictures). He's got just what he deserves. He's sweeping up his own mess."

"It was hard work but he seemed to almost enjoy it," said Jeremy Pearce, Boy George's manager. "He put his back into it and did a good job." And for Boy George, like Jesus of Nazareth, this test of humility restored his faith - faith into his own libertine ways, "I'm going to go off and have a glass of champagne," says George.

For Jacinto Santacruz of Fountain Valley, CA, salvation came in the form of a glob of chocolate that had dripped overnight into the shape of the Virgin Mary. Coincidentally, Jacinto had been questioning her faith "due to personal issues," when the chocolaty virgin oozed out in front of her. Faith restored, and kind of tasty too.



Word has it that Mel Gibson has already signed the choclate glob to play a chocolate glob in the forthcomming blockbuster, "The Passion of Jacinto; Why Jews Hate Chocolate."

The blessed virgin has chosen some rather unconvential places to make an appearance since she first came on the scene in France in 1858, revealing herself to a 14-year-old Bernadette lurking in a grotto. While a grotto seems a likely place for the blessed virgin, how about a chimney, a highway underpass, and a cheese sandwich that sold for $11,000 on Ebay? And more recently, on this very blog

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or is that a blessed snowman?

For Germans hoping to restore their faith with the sight of Madonna on a "disco-fied" crucifix this weekend, they may be out of luck. German prosecutors say they will be monitoring the Madonna concert in Berlin tomorrow to determine if her staged crucifixion is offensive, or art.

According to All Headline News, the news sources for all things headline, putting their faith in the media "the prosecutors say they will not be watching the show live, but rather rely on media reports to conclude their observations."

Hans Liptonburger, Chief Prosecutor for All Things Deemed Somewhat Offensive In A Way That Is Difficult To Explain But I Know It When I See It, went on to say, "Parsing the World is an excellent source of news information and has proven to be very reliable. We will be monitoring Thaddeus' blog to determine if this act is an act of art or something very very different...than art."

About face

The NYTimes reports today that new TSA “behavior detection officers” have begun profiling passengers at airports, looking for emotional clues that are telltale signs of a terrorist. Angry folks - on the ground. Depressed - back of the plane, Prozac, no peanuts. Happy folks - you get an upgrade and free tickets to Celebration, FL, Disney's gated community where every day is terror free. Confused...well, aren't we all. Weren't the 9/11 hijackers as cool as cucumbers, dressed in business attire, and trained not to stand out?

When will this Orwellian nightmare end, I say. And what about those of us who don't have any emotions? I encourage everyone to protest this latest round of governmental foolishness by printing out the following facial chart (click to enlarge), and wear whichever face suites your mood when you go to the airport. They will never know what you are thinking, or not thinking, as the case may be.



Thankfully there is a voice of reason in this grim visage we call Bush America. From the great city of Detroit, U.S. District Judge Anna Diggs Taylor has struck down as unconstitutional the National Security Agency's warrantless surveilance program. Bravo Anna. You earn a smiley face :)

A new rogues gallery

Ahhh Mel, Mel, Mel. You make it too easy. Your hate-laced drunken tirade wasn't very, shall we say, mellifluous to the ears of the arresting police officer, who, as luck would have it (or Karma), was Jewish. But it has earned you a place in the rogues gallery of smiling mug shots.

Mel, you are rich, you live in LA, you make bad movies, what else could you want, bubby?

Perhaps a little love from your father, daddy dearest, a card carrying member of The Alliance for Catholic Traditions who believes the holocaust was exaggerated. Well, he loves ya now.

A criminal, a drug addict and an anti-semite walk into a room...

Where was I in July

Many, many people have written to express their deep concern over my protracted absence this summer. And I feel terrible that I was not there for you in July to make sense of all the craziness happening in the world.

To be honest, I was staring at the mountains in an Adirondack chair, sipping mountain mojitos, so in fact, I don't feel too terrible.

But I am back now. And to help you make sense of it all, I have written a little song sung to the tune of Alan Jackson's #1 September 11 inspired country hit "Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning)."

Where were you when the world stopped turning in the month of July?
Were you in a recliner drinking mountain mojitos?
Or at bar watching the world cup?
Did you stand there in shock at the sight of
Zidane's unexpected headbutt
Did you shout out in anger
That Materazzi is racist pig
Or did you just sit down and cry?

Did you weep for the children
Who lost their dear Zizou
And pray for the ones who don't know - anything about the sport?
Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the stadium - and didn't stop at a brothel?
And sob for the ones without television

Did you burst out with pride
For the blue white and red
And for the heros who sprain their ankles just doing what they do?
Do you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
And look at yourself and what really matters

--- refrain ----

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus (and Allah) and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, Hope and Love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is Love

--- refrain ----

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that July day?
Were you wondering why Madonna gave up Kabbalah?
Just so her kids could celebrate Christmas
Or driving down some cold interstate?
Did you feel guilty cause you weren't watching?
In a crowded room did you feel alone?
Did you call up your mother and tell her you loved her?
Did you dust off that Bible (or Koran) at home?
Did you open your eyes, hope it never happened?
Close your eyes and not go to sleep?
Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages?
Speak with some stranger on the street?
Did you cry when they shot
The first wild bear to appear in Germany in 150 years,
Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow?
Go out and buy you a gun?
Did you turn off that violent home movie you're watching
And turn on World Cup reruns?
Did you wonder why Britany
Wants to have her baby in Namibia?
Did you go to a church and hold hands with some strangers?
Buy a hotdog with the works in Central Park?
Stand in line and give your own blood?
Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family?
Thank God you had somebody to love

--- refrain ----

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus (and Allah) and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, Hope and Love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is Love

--- refrain ----

And the greatest is Love
And the greatest is Love

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that July day?

Zizou, we love you.

Make way for the Islamo fashonistas

In yet another name change, George Bush has warned us about the latest threat - from Islamic fascists. And I am scared. But what really scares me are pelvic hip girating, newly liberated daughters of slaughter. Fascists + Islam = Fash-on. Haven't you seen the Old Navy ads? "Get yer Fash-on". Definitely a coded message to attack now.

"Don't forget me". Never did those words have a more ominous overtone than when falsettoed from the lips of Gulnara Islamovna Karimova, the daughter of Uzbek's president (also conviently named Islam), in her new music video Unutma Meni.

Following fast on the stilettoed heels of Osama Bin Laden's niece, Wafah bin Ladin, now know to the freedom lovin' western world simply as Wafah Dufour (couldn't she have picked a better name, like Bambi, she still sounds like a terrorist), Gulnara Islamovna is also parlaying her infamous lineage into a pop music career.

GooGoosha, her father's pet name for her, which means in Uzbeck "if you so much as look at my daughter, you will be eaten alive by magots and fed to my favorite Central Asian Ovcharka", dances in front of mighty waterfalls, and floats through the air past computer generated castles in a car that looks like an outtake from Chrysler muscle magazine. Magical.

Apparantly music is just a means to an end for GooGoosha. A political end, as she prepares to take over for her father next year. Running an outfit called the Terra Group wasn't enough. For the hardened people of Uzbekistan, only time will tell if they can weather this, most diabolical, form of torture. Forget Lebanon. MTV Uzbekistan - the new front in the global war on terror. Shut it down, George, shut it down.

A new definition of failure

I am back, drawn out of my torpor by a friend who send me Mr. Bush's legacy archived in cyberspace. I had to share it.

1 - Go to Google.com

2 - Type in the word "Failure"

3 - Instead of clicking "Google Search," click "I'm Feeling Lucky"

4 - Spread the word before the people at Google "fix" it