Saturday, December 30, 2006

Rounding out the year! With death, and good cheer!

People have been asking me where I have been these past two months. And, yes, the rumors are true. I was fathering Mary Cheney's baby. But that is just between me, Mary and the blogosphere.

Enough about me, we have some catching up to do. While I was busy procreating five times a day (FIVE), residents of Bulo Burto in Somalia were told to get on their knees, and pray five times a day, or be beheaded. And while there were moments that I found myself begging to be sent to Somalia, I maintained focus and kept my head, as the did the Somali citizens of Bulo Burto, who were also liberated this week from Islamo-fascism, by Ethiopian forces.

In other death and procreation news, it seems that Indian men don't quite measure up. According to a study done by the Indian Council of Medical Research 60 percent of men in the financial capital Mumbai had penises about 1 inch shorter than the standard condom. Thus, the condoms keep falling off, which leads to an increase in the spread of HIV.


"We need more vending machines for condoms of different sizes so people can pick a condom with confidence that is suited to their needs," said Dr. Chander Puri, who conducted the study.

'I'll have the SMALL condom please'...said with confidence? There really is no good way to publicize this story, is there? Death by sex...or telling the world you are a nation with below average size penises. Tough choice.

If Dr. Chander had just waited a few days before going to the press, the solution is already at hand, so to speak. The Institute for Condom Consultancy in Germany is hard at work (again, so to speak) on a spray on condom.

"We're trying to develop the perfect condom for men that's suited to every size of penis. We're very serious," said Jan Vinzenz Krause. " "It works by spraying on latex from nozzles on all sides. We call it the '360 degree procedure' - once round and from top to bottom. It's a bit like a car wash."

I once had the 360 degree procedure, and it was not at all like a car wash, but did cost about the same.

Speaking of tough choices and bitter endings, in November we learned that if you are offered tea and sushi by a former KGB agent, just say 'no thank you'. A shifty Russian poisoned in London with radioactive tea by a shifty Italian, or so the current theory goes - that is b-movie material.

The whole episode proved an embarresment for British security who somehow allowed radioactive material to enter the country on a commercial flight. But it turned out to be an unexpected boon for the James Bond franchise, and coffee sales around the world.

Come on guys, you put my underwear though the machine twice. You took away my toothpaste. And you can't find a vial of radioactive material that left a glowing smudge from Moscow to Berlin?

December was the month the scales almost tipped back in favor of the Republicans in the US Senate, with Cheney the decider-in-waiting, after South Dakota Senator Tim Johnson suffered an unexpected stroke, just moments after having tea and sushi with none other than Dick Cheney.

Remember former CIA director William Casey who died in 1987 of a mysterious stroke just before he was to testify in the Iran Contra hearings. The man responsible for keeping the American hostages captive in Iran so Carter would loose the 1980 election. Also had tea and sushi with Dick.

Johnson remains in critical condition and will likely miss the opening session in January, which is really no big deal. The Senate will be conducting its usual business of rubber stamping billions in war spending, cutting taxes and doing away with all forms of assistance to anyone who makes less than seven figures.

Not to worry Tim, even though you suffered a stroke, have diminished brain function and are under heavy sedation, you are still smarter than 49 US Senators.

It was sad news for Turkmens everywhere. Saparmurat Niyazov, the idiosyncratic President of Turkmenistan, father of the Turkmens, and the man who gave himself the moniker, "President for Life", resigned in December, permanently. Saparmurat rode his Bactrian camel to meet the great Turkmen in the sky. The official cause of death; heart attack. Unofficially, he was found slumped over a toilet seat have ingested a coctail of painkillers and barbituates.

But according to unofficial sources, who would only speak to Parsing the World in exchange for a large sum of cash, Saparmurat died of heartbreak, having missed out on his one opportunity for a lasting legacy - a cameo in the Borat movie. According to my sources, Saparmurat was heard muttering, "what so nice about Kazakhstan? Why I not mocked by such Jew?" He then passed away on a lavish kilim, with fine stitching and a delicate fringe.

And as we round out the news of the year, how can we forget Iraq, as much as we may want to. It was a December to remember, as more US soliders died this month than any other month this year. Nevertheless, Bush has a plan, and it ain't that rusty ol' plan the Iraq Study Group (not an Arab among them) studied so hard to come up with. The one that took seventy points and one year to come to the ground breaking conclusion - lets get the heck outta there.

Bush's plan, contrarian that he is, is to send even more troops into Iraq after the new year, a plan codenamed the 'throw good money after bad Bush study harder plan'.

Why, you might ask, does Bush need a different plan than the one agreed on by the bipartisan panel? Well, it ain't the Iraq Study Groups plan, so he probably figures he gets extra credit. And because more troops will stabilize the country, ya see. It's just for a little while, they'll be back by next Christmas, unlike the ones starting their third tour of duty this month.

Bush, you didn't study at Yale, why pretend to now? Leave the thinking for the big boys. Even Ford agrees, and he's dead. Unlike Saparmurat, there are no missed opportunities here, your legacy is secure no matter what you do. Worst president, ever. So cut and run baby, cut and run. You got a paper trail now, and thats what the whole Study Group thing was about anyway, covering your ass so you could pack our bags in Iraq and let us leave with a shred of dignity.

While Bush was in abject pondery over his Iraqi quagmire, the democratic leadership was flexing its muscle. Harry Reid, Democrat from Nevada and incoming house leader, put his foot down.

Speaking to ABC's "This Week", Reid said, "If it's for a surge -- that is, for two or three months -- and it's part of a program to get us out of there as indicated by this time next year, then, sure, I'll go along with it."

Harry? Have you been having tea with Dick? 'Sure, I'll go along with it' is not what we voted for in November.

With all the studying going on in America, it is was an unusually happy day in Iraq, as the country celebrated the festival of Eid ul-Adha today, a day that Muslims around the world commemorate the Prophet Ibrahim's sacrifice of his son Ismael to Allah, and celebrate forgiveness.

A highlight of the festival is the tradition of "Qurban", were the best domestic animal of the house is brought out and slaughtered, and the meat is then distriubuted equally to the poor and the hungry.

Following that tradition, early this morning, after three years in US custody, the US Military handed over their prodigal son, Saddam Hussein, to a group of Shi'ite militants, masquarading as a democratic government, for the ritual slaughter.

In lew of electricity, jobs, or any possibility of real peace, the meat was given to the poor and hungry.

But not everyone was dancing in the streets. Many were aghast that capital punishment was carried out in a country otherwise know for beheadings, torture and general mehem.

"To execute him on this special day is below any humane standards," Abu Hussein from Lebanon said, speaking for all Abu Husseins around the world.

And speaking of things below any humane standards, Dick Cheney, in a prescient moment brought on by medicated egg nog, and rumination on his new son-in-law, emerged from his own hidey-hole and hailed Ford's pardon of Nixon today.

"Gerald Ford was almost alone in understanding that there can be no healing without pardon."

Nice try, Dick. You may get a pardon from your daughter, who can somehow forgive you for being a closeted gay-basher, but you aren't getting a pardon from this country. Our newly minted democratic Congress and Senate will show you.

Right!

Right?

Hello?

Harry? Nancy? Impeachment? Hellllloooooooooo?

I am going to need some of that medicate egg nog.

May 2007 bring peace, happiness and robot independence!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Oh happy day

I am deliriously happy, so happy I am going to crawl back into bed. My bloggin is done.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

A dunk is...just a dunk

A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh, and a dunk, well, it's just a dunk according the Vice President.

As an unexpected October blizzard dumped a foot and a half of the fluffy stuff in Colorado, Tony Snow was doing his own snowjob back in Washington.

"We don't talk about techniques, that would include waterboarding," Snow said, trying to twist Cheney's words into something palatable to the just-say-no-to-torture administration. "He does neither - he neither confirms nor denies its use; neither supports nor shows a lack of support for it."

Snow added, "A dunk in the water is a dunk in the water," then broke in an extraordinary rendition of Louis Armstrong's As Time Goes By.

You must remember this
A kiss is still a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh
A scream is just a scream
The fundamental things apply
Except habeas corpus
As time goes by


Really Tony Snow? Really? That is all you could come up with? You are the press secretary for god's sake, you can lie better than that. That is why they are paying you the big bucks. Better shape up or you will be a permanent guest on The O'Reilly Factor, like Geraldo.

Snow went on to suggest another possible interpretation of Dick Cheney's statement, explaining that Cheney doesn't support torture, he is a Methodist, and as a Methodist by dunk in the water what Cheney was really refering to was the Methodist form of salvation;
baptism. He is trying to save them through dunking.



While Snow writhed and twisted like a scarecrow in a cornfield (or Michael J Fox off his meds), time has gone by for Bush and Maliki, whose brief camaraderie is looking more and more like Paris and Nicole's adversarial relationship on an episode of the Simple Life.

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki winced and grimaced as he told first the President on Friday, then his senior aide today, that he is a friend to the US, but not "America's man in Iraq."

No worries, Prime Minister, we all know who holds that title.



Time finally caught up with Fr Anthony Mercieca, the Catholic priest hung out to dry by former U.S. congressman Mark Foley looking for a scapegoat to help cushion his fall in Congressional-underage-page-sexual-textual-sex-scandle.

Mercieca, who now resides in Malta, an island paradise where even the Boy Scout Association of Malta embraces gay members, has admitted to swimming naked, being unclothed in the same room as Foley and massaging him in the nude, but said the allegations did not constitute a basis for him to be prosecuted.

"[Mercieca] considers the aggressive and unfavorable exposure as being unfair and unjustified," said his lawyer.

And Mercieca's agressive and unfavorable exposure in front of young men is justified?

The priest was quoted as saying: “We were friends and trusted each other as brothers and loved each other as brothers”.

And when two lovers woo
They still say, "I love you"
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by


It gives a whole new meaning to "here's looking at you kid."

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The blame game

It's fall, the leaves are turning, there is a cold breeze in the air. As we round the corner on yet another highly charged election year, thankfully, everyone has someone to blame, both in the US and abroad.

Republican candidate John Spencer blamed Hillary's double digit lead in the New York Senate race on millions of dollars in plastic surgery, earning him the only media attention he has had this fall. Hillary demurely retorted by saying she was "cute" in high school, before she met Bill.

In a televised version of the Sacrament of Penance, otherwise know as the Oprah Winfrey show, Madonna, who built her career and her fortune off the media,
blamed the media
for her adoption woes.

"The media is doing a great disservice to all the orphans of Africa by turning it into such a negative thing."

Unbeknowst to the rest of the media, "The Media" (capital T, captial M), not Madonna, actually went and took the child from his birth father and brought him to London, and is now raising him to be the black Maury Povich.

Bush, who has routinely blamed The Media for our poor showing in the war in Iraq, has finally found someone else to blame, the Shi'ite finger puppet of Muqtada al-Sadr, Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Malaki, who pretends to lead the country with his rubber fist.

Bush warned al-Malaki, ever so gently, that maybe, just perhaps, you never know, but some day, America's patience, may, perhaps, might, run out. Seeing the line in the sand, Nuri Kamal al-Malaki shot back, "don't threaten me with deadlines!" Then they shook hands, and then the balance of stupidy was restored.

Bush pressed on with the press, trying to explain how one loses in Iraq. "The only way we lose in Iraq is if we leave before the job is done." And the only way to lose the midterm elections? If the Republican Congress leaves before their job is done. Or the Diaboldic machines malfunction and we have to use paper ballots.


Facing a ravenous pre-election press corp, Bush fell back on a Republican bastion of blame; illegal immigrants. "We must face the reality that millions of illegal immigrants are already here," Bush said, then signed into law the construction of seven hundred miles of new fence along the Mexican border, sending a strong message to the millions of illegal immigrants already in the United States; you guys now have no way to get back into Mexico! Can you say fiesta?

Rush Limbaugh has blamed Michael J Fox for thrasing about uncontrollably in a blatent attempt to win votes. Accusing the actor of using his Parkinson's disease for political stumping, he suggested the ailing actor was either acting, or off his pills, as he writhed, tossed and twitched in televion ads that blasted Bush for not supporting stem cell research.


Now, you might think that Rush Limbaugh has no leg to stand on here, figuratively, but in fact, Rush Limbaugh is an expert on perscription medication, having been arrested more than once for his illegal supply of amphetamines and viagra, a potent combination that leaves the user writhing, tossing and twitching uncontrolably, and the rest of us with a terrible, terrible image that we just can't get out of our heads.

Australian Sheik Taj al-Din al-Hilaly blamed women for making men hungry. Likening women to meat, the sheik said,
“if you take out uncovered meat and place it outside on the street, or in the garden or in the park, or in the backyard without a cover, and the cats come and eat it . . . whose fault is it, the cats or the uncovered meat? The uncovered meat is the problem.” The most senior Muslim cleric in the land down under happened to be speaking about a series of gang rapes last month.


Is it the cat's fault, or is it the fault of the meat for uncovering itself and lying there so raw and suggestively, as if to say "meow, come here and eat me, kitty." Bad meat indeed.

Common themes in paradoxes can be identified by their indirect self-reference, infinity, circular definitions, and confusion of levels of reasoning. Sheik Taj al-Din al-Hilaly has definately come up with a fundamental paradox. Is the cat to blame? Or the meat? Or the person who allowed the meat to go out uncovered? Or the garden, park or backyard?

This brain teaser shall hence forth be known in the annals of illogic as the Taj al-Din al-Hilaly Rape Excuse Incongruity.

Finally, there is one thing we can all blame together, and that is our mobile phone. Turns out those little beasts not only destroy our peace and quiet, they also destroy our sperm, according to The Australian.

Doctors caution, however, that it may not be the electromagnetic radtion that is frying our little ones, but rather the general laziness brought on by cell phone use, and that subsequent sedentary lifestyle they encourage, leading to more pressure on the magic sack, and presto, no more marching men, similar to the syndrom many cyclists suffer.

Whatever the causes, we can comfortably blame cell phones for both our laziness and our low sperm count. And who do we blame for the cell phone? Wicked, uncovered meat, of course.

Monday, October 23, 2006

High crimes and misnomers


Alberto Fernandez, a senior State Department diplomat, apologized for saying to Al Jazeera that the United States displayed "arrogance" and "stupidity" in its handling of the Iraq war.

Speaking to CNN on his way to Guantanamo Bay, Mr. Fernandez said he was misquoted. "What I actually said was the US displayed a roguish cupidity, meaning that we have shown rascally love for Iraq," Mr. Fernandez said, before being gagged, hooded and waterboarded.

UN envoy Jan Pronk also misspoke this week, according the the Sudanese government, and was sent packing over his weblog. Pronk's blog, which reported that the army had suffered major losses and was woking in cahoots with the Janjaweed, was just a little too much truth for the Sudanese government, which perfers its UN envoys to follow the 1990's Rwanada model; silent and ineffective.

Jan, those aren't losses, they are negative gains.

Back in the US, city leaders in Omaha, Nebraska are urging citizens to be vigilant, and call 911 when they see smoke - the telltale puffs emanating from the recently criminalized activity of smoking in public. One wonders if the $8.3 million dollars in Homeland security funds that Ohama has to spend this year, funneled from real targets like New York City, went to fund this program.

According to WorldNetDaily, "Teresa Negron, sergeant in charge of public information for the police, explained the department encourages observers of infractions to pick up the phone to report the infraction – just like they would for any other crime they observe being committed."

The $8.3MM, earmarked for enhanced communications equipment, somehow makes sense considering that all the emergency lines will be tied up by people ratting out their neighbors who light up in public.

There is real irony in Omaha's legislated abuse of the 911 system, considering the 911 system of emergency communications, now used nationwide, was developed and first used in Lincoln, Nebraska.

And while the State that was once called "the great American desert" is taking down terrorist tobacco slingers, and beefing up its homeland security, the FBI has announced the capture of two ner-do-wells bent of taking down an icon of Americana.

No, not Bin Laden and Al-Zawahiri (the FBI still can't seem to locate a six foot two inch Arab man hiding in an area of land the size of Massachusetts). Better. Our g-men successfully foiled the great Coke trade secret theft conspiracy of 2006.

Ibrahim Dimson and Edmund Duhaney who sought to sell Coke's secret formula to Pepsi, were turned in to the feds by the One World folks at Pepsi.

There is only one problem here; the secret formula is not a secret. A simple click over to Wikipedia, and anyone can learn that Coke's secret is, has been, and always will be - Cocaine. According to the all knowing, online source of profundity, "today's Coca-Cola uses 'spent' coca leaves, those that have been through a cocaine extraction process, to flavor the beverage. Since this process cannot extract the cocaine alkaloids at a molecular level, the drink still contains trace amounts of the stimulant."

The Coke-secrets-theft duo also stole fourteen pages from the "marketing playbook" which, according to super secret confidential sources, simply said 'keep spiking the sugar water with cocaine and they'll come back.'

With a rise of bribery and corruption along our southern drug border, it is nice to know we all have a safe and convienent place to get our fix - the convienence store.

The 325 to 675 metric tons (17,636,500 ounces on average) of cocaine entering the US each year is nothing compared with the 122,432,790,000 servings of Coke in the US each year.

So have a Coke and a smile, and call 911 if you see anyone drinking Pepsi.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Signs of progress

With 70 US soldiers killed in Iraq in October, this month has become the deadliest on record. Think that means we are losing? Think again.

Using typical Bushian logic, the administration has argued that increased violence is a sign of progress in Iraq. The more casualties there, are the more we are winning. Why? Because it means we are taking the fight to the enemy.

Applying Bushian logic to other areas, the administration has argued that low poll numbers prove Bush is actually doing a good job, increased national debt means the country has a healthy economy, and dwindling test scores means we are getting smarter.

We can all use a little Bushian logic in our lives. Honey, I didn't bring you flowers...which proves I love you. I ran over your cat...because I care.

As dawn breaks over marblehead, Bush has finally understood the parallel between Iraq and Vietnam - three weeks before the mid term elections, telling ABC news that Thomas Friedman might be right in his NYTimes Op-Ed comparing the violence in Iraq with the Tet offensive.

Here are some other parallels you should be thinking about, Mr. President, as we move closer a Decomratic led Congress.


Tuesday, October 17, 2006

It was a dark and stormy night

How better to lead off a meandering blog entry than a reference to the greatest dogged writter of them all, who inbued our young souls with both comical and mystical wisdom.

On the subject of young souls and commystical wisdom, there are many stormy nights ahead for Madonna.

First the material girl went to England and acquired an English accent, and husband with it. Then she went off to Israel to pick up some spiritual teaching, until she leaned that as a Kabbalist you can't celebrate Christmas, and gave it all up for the sake of her Christian children. Perhaps Madonna misunderstood the Hebrew word "Kabbalah", which literally means receiving, because now she has gone to Africa and taken someone else's child.

Couldn't she have been happy with one of those flowered hats or some banana leaf art? Apparantly she just had to have one of those cute black children for her other two children to play with.

According to Reuters, the child's father, Yohane Banda, who put him in an orphanage when his monther died, said "I suppose deep in my heart I always imagined that when he was better, or I had got another wife, I would go and take him back," Banda told the Mail on Sunday. "I did not think anyone would want to take him away."

With millions of dollars idle in her bank account, Madonna could easily have supported both the child and his father back in Africa. But somehow Madonna managed to get around the Malawian law that bans adoptions by non-residents, hustling the child on her private lear jet back to her estate outside of London. Now there is something they don't teach you in Kaballah school.

Back in New York, Lynne Stewart, the 67 year old champion of the underserverd, couldn't quite get around the law this time, and will be spending a dark and quiet twenty eight months in supermax.

Lynne received a reduced sentence yesterday, down from a requested thirty years by prosectors road testing the new Patriot Act, for coming to the legal defense of Sheik Omar-Abdel Rahman, the blind cleric convicted of "seditious conspiracy" from charges relating to the 1993 world trade center bombing.


Where is the widom in giving any jail time to our public defenders? Even if they are wacked out hippies who have trouble with the finer details of the law, such as not passing along notes to radical followers in Egypt that say, "the Jihad is on, baby!"

At her sentencing, Lynne seemed not to fear the darkness ahead, intoning with some obvious bluster, ``As my clients say to me, `I could do that standing on my head.' "

Lynne, you might actually get your wish, and do that time standing on your head. Today Bush signed away our habeas corpus, inking legislation that authorizes tough interrogation of terror suspects, and stripping (figuratively) detainess of their legal right to seek release from unlawful imprisonment, a pillar of our legal system.

"It is a rare occasion when a president can sign a bill that he knows will save American lives," Bush said. "I have that privilege this morning."

This epiphany marks a new nadir for Mr. Bush in his dark and stormy six year tenure. Just yesterday he bottomed out again in polls, the approval rating for his handling Iraq at a mere 34 percentage points.

Mr. President, you are only 34 points from zero, with two years to go, I think you'll get there.

You've got to wonder about that 34 percent of the American population who still thinks that the President is handling Iraq well. Something tells me they are probably followers of the mystical teachings of radical right's Jerry Falwell, who believes we are winning a holy war in Iraq, and blames CNN for misinforming the public.

As we round the corner of 300,000,000 people in America today, that is 102,000,000 who have no clue. Which also happens to be the number of people who watch YouTube on a daily basis, no coorelation of course. Perhaps Google can impart some wisdom there.

Back on the Korean peninsula, it will be dark and stormy nights for all as we learn that North Korea is gearing up for another nuclear test. This one they intend to get right.


On the subject of large, mystical explosions, back in Kansas, scientists have found an unusual 154 pound meteorite under a wheat field. Scientists say it fell to earth 10,000 years ago in a colossal explosion that makes north Korea's one kiloton test look like day old kimchee.

The Kansas State Board of Education, however, has declared the meteor further evidence of intelligent design. "Why would someone put a meteor in a wheat field? It's gotta be evidence of some greater intelligence," said Ken Willard, while chewing gum and scratching his head.


Finally its National Poetry day in England. Or rather, was National Poetry day on October 5. The theme this year is "identity", so I have done some deep inner relecting, and have written a short poem inspired by the esoteric Kabbalistic widsom my dog shares with me each night.

My dog barks to me at night
My dog barks
My dog barks to me at night
I have trouble sleeping

This poem brought to you by Ambien.

So pull out your old typewritter and bang away. Your dark and stormy oeuvre couldn't be any stranger than this weeks news.

To quote the master, Charlie Brown, "life is easier if you only dread one day at a time."

Saturday, October 14, 2006

How I learned to stop worrying, and love North Korea

While George Bush was busy spending half a trillion dollars looking for non-existant weapons of mass destruction in the deserts of Iraq, North Korea went nuclear. With that October surprise, another pledge from Mr. Bush seems to have vaporized.

"I will not allow the worlds most dangerous regimes to acquire nuclear weapons," said the President in a state of the union address in 2002. "Except if I decide to invade Iraq. In that case, yes, I suppose I will allow the worlds most dangerous regimes to acquire nuclear weapons."

But did the wicked witch of Pyongyang actually set off a nuclear device?

Or was it a kiloton of dynamite, a most diabolical bluff on the part of Kim Jong-Ill? Or was it an explosion set off by an accidental lightning strike at the worlds largest kimchee fermentery? Or was it, in fact, a rather weak, as far as nukes go, nuclear device?

What, the world wonders, was that blast under the ground near Gilju, North Korea. Only time will tell.

One can only imagine the conversation Bush had with himself in the mirror that morning he learned about the North Korean nuke. "I said Kim don't go nuclar, but ya called my bluff, so now I'm gonna...I'm gonna....I'm gonna sanction you. You won't be shipping any more bicycles to developing countries. Thats right, and we're going to cut you off from our propaganda station that we have been beaming by satellite into your country. No more American Idol. That'll learn ya."

Excuse me, Mr. President, but North Korea is already isolated. And they already have the nuke!


In retrospect, one wonders what exactly was the Bush plan not to allow the worlds most dangerous regimes to acquire nuclear weapons. Was it diplomacy? No. The Bush administration has refused to hold talks with North Korea or Iran. Was it direct action? No. All our resources are tied up in Iraq. Was there even a plan at all? Apparently not. Unless you consider swagger a plan. Just one long, bad John Wayne movie.

So what card does Mr. Bolton, the man Bush foisted upon the UN, have up his sleave? A luxury ban. Yep. A luxury ban. A plan to put Kim Jong Il on, in his words, "a little diet." No more Chateau Neuf de Pap for you, Kim. Now, give up that nuke.

Like a character in Dr. Strangelove, Mr. Ill does seems to enjoy imbibing to maintain the purity of his precious bodily fluids.

Nevertheless, Mr. Bush, you have no cards to play. You spent our military in Iraq, you blew the diplomatic possibilities, you got nothin.

Nothing that steaming pot of bi-bim-bob and big smile can't fix. So get back on that diplomatic horse and ride, Mr. Bush. Talk to Mr. Ill, buy him a new pair of glasses, show him that oh-so-warm grin of yours and give 'em some good ol' American hospitality. Axis of evil? Axis of peace and friendship, I say. Or soon, that kiloton will be for real.

As for Iran, well President Ahmadinejad, you need to get with the program. Are you really going to let yourself be upstaged by a diminutive spoke on the axis of evil? And we all thought you were the most evil. So disappointing. While you were busy chit chattin at the UN, North Korea was getting down to business. You see now, the US can't actually do anything about your nuke program, so build those bombs with impunity, and show the Kimster who's the boss.

And as for Don Busho Quixote and Sancho Blairo Panza, looks like they'll get their beating at the hands of angry windmills in this year's midterm elections. Adios amigos.

Reminds me a song that play across the big screen as the bombs begin to fall.

"We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know yen, but we'll meet again, some day."

Friday, October 13, 2006

Tag, you're it


Thought the United States led the world in creepy Orwellian freedom-stripping technology? Think again. Later this year as you travel through the Hungarian airports (there really more than one) on your way to Székesfehérvár, you will be tagged with a radio frequency identifier courtesy of the University College London. Leave it to the British to test their madness on hapless Eastern European countries.

You don't hear about the British testing their madness in France or Sweden. Hungary, what are you thinking? You are already made it into the European Union.

The program, known as OpTag (does one really have an option?), envisions everyone at airports being tagged and monitored as they move about, particularly the suspicious looking ones. This way, you see, if a terrorist starts trying to access places he or she should not be, then the all knowing machine will detect it.

Of course, there is the obvious problem - what if someone just removes their tag? I guess they will have to staple it to people's ears. It works for meaty two-toed ungulates working their way through our feeding machines.


The system can be used to find lost children, claims the mad scientist behind this scheme. You ever notice that when someone needs to justify their madness, children are brought into the picture.


In fact, with a radio frequency identifier embedded in the skin, children will never be lost again, and we will all live in the place where there is no darkness.

Earlier this year, Hungary made the news when it became know that the country was a waystation in the Bush administrations extraordinary redition program. I guess you can take the country out of totalitarianism, but you can't take the totalitarian out of the country.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

MeTube

Like three quarters of America, I actually thought of it first. Well, really it was Al Gore's idea, but hey, I am not bitter. I've got a blog, with a gazillion readers. Yes, gazillion, that massive number that follows 3, my dog, my mom and me.

This whole YouTube debacle has got me thinking; what would I do with 1.6 billion, or 2.2 billion, or whatever it was they actually paid for that site?

- buy Burundi whose GDP is $700MM/year (actually I could buy three Burundis), then like Madonna and Angelina I could adopt not just one token black child, but a whole country of 8,090,068, half of whom are under 14, then I would sell Burundi to Google for stock, and put all the Burundians on YouTube where they would become famous and get multiyear content licensing contracts with CBS and thereby alleviate poverty in Burundi forever

- buy land in Iraq. With 655,000 killed since the war began, everyone will be dead in a few years, which will mean the insurgency will be over, and we'll be left with prime Middle East riverfront real estate and a whole lotta oil underneath. Hey, someone has got to keep flushing money into that black hole. Who will do it once Congress changes hands and Bush is impeached?

- pay off my credit cards, at least the ones charging me 2,800% interest

As the great Graham Greene once said (or wrote), writing is a form of therapy. In the space of a few paragraphs, I have transcended my bitterness, and transmorgified my bile into ambition: I am just going to go out a start my very own dotcom - MeTube (or mytube, which I suppose is grammatically correct).

The tagline? "Why is it always about You?"

Look for me on the front pages of the Wall Street Journal in six months when I have sold it to Rupert Murdoch for $11BN. I'll do the deal at the lunch counter of a WallMart.

But you gotta love Google for reviving the dotcom days, at least those of us who pine for open loft spaces and first class flights to places like Roanoke, Missouri to sell some furniture company a $2MM web site. It is official, if you do a billion dollar deal at Dennys, you are talking dotcom, baby. Now we can all quit our banking jobs and go back to blowing someone's pension fund for a while.

Eric, I know you are king of the world right now, but $1.something billion on website? Billion, Eric, billllllll-yon. While you are at it, why don't you send some of that Monopoly money over this way. You can have parsingtheworld.blogspot.com for $26.95, I will even throw in an old typewriter.

Graham Greene also said "everything is useful to a writer- every scrap." Google, that algorithmic Internet omnivore, seems to be following that advice closely.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Muslims in Spaaaacccceeee!



The first female Muslm space tourist has returned to earth, landing in Kazakhstan with snails, worms and barley, otherwise known as a Kazakhi Ceasar salad. She was immediately greeted by Borat who asked her politely, "yes, and now we have a the sex?"

Her journey started as little girl fleeing Iran for the greener (as in money green) pastures of American dreamdom, knowing little more than some verses of "My Favorite Things," from the film "The Sound of Music." Those favorite things being snails, worms and barley.

Anousheh Ansari is just the latest in a long line of double X's to be hurtled skyward. The great Valentina Tereshkova was the first in 1963, remembered fondly now on a Soviet postage stamp.



And least we forget the greatest space lady of them all. Yes, you guessed it, Miss Piggy, of Pigs in Spaaaaccceee fame, who rode the silvery rocket to represent her species in silvery spandex. You go Kermie!









But not all space suits have a silver lining. Anousheh Ansari may want to think about staying in the stratosphere. Her twenty million dollar ticket was paid for by the money she made selling off shares of her high flying telco company, Sonus Networks Inc. Sonus has since plunged to earth, and, according to CNN, Ansari is being sued for insider trading. Better find a permanent room on that space station Anousheh, or you'll be singing "So Long, Farewell" on your way to Martha Stewart's old digs.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Restoring the faith

With the world in turmoil, the Middle East getting worse by the day, the past year has really tested all our faith. Some of us, myself included, have taken to the bottle to restore our faith in the double martini. Others, it seems, have found their faith again as a result of miraculous sightings.

For some, it was the miraculous sight of Boy George shoveling garbage in Manhattan as he worked off his community service sentence for falsely reporting a burglary. Googla, a 25 year of female from NYC, wrote on Flickr "I've waited 25 years to meet this man and here he was, picking up trash along my walking route to work."

His appearance on 42nd street reaffirmed the glorious sermon on the mount; blessed are the poor, and the discarded condoms and other assorted detritus. Indeed the meek shall inheret the earth. And yes, you can actually tatoo a yamaka to your head.

Not everyone was inspired by Boy George's court imposed good deeds. Some in the press really wanted to hurt him, hounding him relentlessly during his first day, others just wanted to make him cry. Former friend Philip Sallon told the Irish Examiner, "I laughed my head off when I saw (the pictures). He's got just what he deserves. He's sweeping up his own mess."

"It was hard work but he seemed to almost enjoy it," said Jeremy Pearce, Boy George's manager. "He put his back into it and did a good job." And for Boy George, like Jesus of Nazareth, this test of humility restored his faith - faith into his own libertine ways, "I'm going to go off and have a glass of champagne," says George.

For Jacinto Santacruz of Fountain Valley, CA, salvation came in the form of a glob of chocolate that had dripped overnight into the shape of the Virgin Mary. Coincidentally, Jacinto had been questioning her faith "due to personal issues," when the chocolaty virgin oozed out in front of her. Faith restored, and kind of tasty too.



Word has it that Mel Gibson has already signed the choclate glob to play a chocolate glob in the forthcomming blockbuster, "The Passion of Jacinto; Why Jews Hate Chocolate."

The blessed virgin has chosen some rather unconvential places to make an appearance since she first came on the scene in France in 1858, revealing herself to a 14-year-old Bernadette lurking in a grotto. While a grotto seems a likely place for the blessed virgin, how about a chimney, a highway underpass, and a cheese sandwich that sold for $11,000 on Ebay? And more recently, on this very blog

<)
/ \ / { ;;:
~~~~'

or is that a blessed snowman?

For Germans hoping to restore their faith with the sight of Madonna on a "disco-fied" crucifix this weekend, they may be out of luck. German prosecutors say they will be monitoring the Madonna concert in Berlin tomorrow to determine if her staged crucifixion is offensive, or art.

According to All Headline News, the news sources for all things headline, putting their faith in the media "the prosecutors say they will not be watching the show live, but rather rely on media reports to conclude their observations."

Hans Liptonburger, Chief Prosecutor for All Things Deemed Somewhat Offensive In A Way That Is Difficult To Explain But I Know It When I See It, went on to say, "Parsing the World is an excellent source of news information and has proven to be very reliable. We will be monitoring Thaddeus' blog to determine if this act is an act of art or something very very different...than art."

Thursday, August 17, 2006

About face


The NYTimes reports today that new TSA “behavior detection officers” have begun profiling passengers at airports, looking for emotional clues that are telltale signs of a terrorist. Angry folks - on the ground. Depressed - back of the plane, Prozac, no peanuts. Happy folks - you get an upgrade and free tickets to Celebration, FL, Disney's gated community where every day is terror free. Confused...well, aren't we all. Weren't the 9/11 hijackers as cool as cucumbers, dressed in business attire, and trained not to stand out?

When will this Orwellian nightmare end, I say. And what about those of us who don't have any emotions? I encourage everyone to protest this latest round of governmental foolishness by printing out the following facial chart (click to enlarge), and wear whichever face suites your mood when you go to the airport. They will never know what you are thinking, or not thinking, as the case may be.



Thankfully there is a voice of reason in this grim visage we call Bush America. From the great city of Detroit, U.S. District Judge Anna Diggs Taylor has struck down as unconstitutional the National Security Agency's warrantless surveilance program. Bravo Anna. You earn a smiley face :)

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

A new rogues gallery


Ahhh Mel, Mel, Mel. You make it too easy. Your hate-laced drunken tirade wasn't very, shall we say, mellifluous to the ears of the arresting police officer, who, as luck would have it (or Karma), was Jewish. But it has earned you a place in the rogues gallery of smiling mug shots.

Mel, you are rich, you live in LA, you make bad movies, what else could you want, bubby?

Perhaps a little love from your father, daddy dearest, a card carrying member of The Alliance for Catholic Traditions who believes the holocaust was exaggerated. Well, he loves ya now.

A criminal, a drug addict and an anti-semite walk into a room...

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Where was I in July

Many, many people have written to express their deep concern over my protracted absence this summer. And I feel terrible that I was not there for you in July to make sense of all the craziness happening in the world.

To be honest, I was staring at the mountains in an Adirondack chair, sipping mountain mojitos, so in fact, I don't feel too terrible.

But I am back now. And to help you make sense of it all, I have written a little song sung to the tune of Alan Jackson's #1 September 11 inspired country hit "Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning)."

Where were you when the world stopped turning in the month of July?
Were you in a recliner drinking mountain mojitos?
Or at bar watching the world cup?
Did you stand there in shock at the sight of
Zidane's unexpected headbutt
Did you shout out in anger
That Materazzi is racist pig
Or did you just sit down and cry?

Did you weep for the children
Who lost their dear Zizou
And pray for the ones who don't know - anything about the sport?
Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the stadium - and didn't stop at a brothel?
And sob for the ones without television

Did you burst out with pride
For the blue white and red
And for the heros who sprain their ankles just doing what they do?
Do you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
And look at yourself and what really matters

--- refrain ----

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus (and Allah) and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, Hope and Love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is Love

--- refrain ----

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that July day?
Were you wondering why Madonna gave up Kabbalah?
Just so her kids could celebrate Christmas
Or driving down some cold interstate?
Did you feel guilty cause you weren't watching?
In a crowded room did you feel alone?
Did you call up your mother and tell her you loved her?
Did you dust off that Bible (or Koran) at home?
Did you open your eyes, hope it never happened?
Close your eyes and not go to sleep?
Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages?
Speak with some stranger on the street?
Did you cry when they shot
The first wild bear to appear in Germany in 150 years,
Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow?
Go out and buy you a gun?
Did you turn off that violent home movie you're watching
And turn on World Cup reruns?
Did you wonder why Britany
Wants to have her baby in Namibia?
Did you go to a church and hold hands with some strangers?
Buy a hotdog with the works in Central Park?
Stand in line and give your own blood?
Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family?
Thank God you had somebody to love

--- refrain ----

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus (and Allah) and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, Hope and Love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is Love

--- refrain ----

And the greatest is Love
And the greatest is Love

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that July day?

Zizou, we love you.

Make way for the Islamo fashonistas


In yet another name change, George Bush has warned us about the latest threat - from Islamic fascists. And I am scared. But what really scares me are pelvic hip girating, newly liberated daughters of slaughter. Fascists + Islam = Fash-on. Haven't you seen the Old Navy ads? "Get yer Fash-on". Definitely a coded message to attack now.

"Don't forget me". Never did those words have a more ominous overtone than when falsettoed from the lips of Gulnara Islamovna Karimova, the daughter of Uzbek's president (also conviently named Islam), in her new music video Unutma Meni.

Following fast on the stilettoed heels of Osama Bin Laden's niece, Wafah bin Ladin, now know to the freedom lovin' western world simply as Wafah Dufour (couldn't she have picked a better name, like Bambi, she still sounds like a terrorist), Gulnara Islamovna is also parlaying her infamous lineage into a pop music career.

GooGoosha, her father's pet name for her, which means in Uzbeck "if you so much as look at my daughter, you will be eaten alive by magots and fed to my favorite Central Asian Ovcharka", dances in front of mighty waterfalls, and floats through the air past computer generated castles in a car that looks like an outtake from Chrysler muscle magazine. Magical.

Apparantly music is just a means to an end for GooGoosha. A political end, as she prepares to take over for her father next year. Running an outfit called the Terra Group wasn't enough. For the hardened people of Uzbekistan, only time will tell if they can weather this, most diabolical, form of torture. Forget Lebanon. MTV Uzbekistan - the new front in the global war on terror. Shut it down, George, shut it down.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

A new definition of failure

I am back, drawn out of my torpor by a friend who send me Mr. Bush's legacy archived in cyberspace. I had to share it.

1 - Go to Google.com

2 - Type in the word "Failure"

3 - Instead of clicking "Google Search," click "I'm Feeling Lucky"

4 - Spread the word before the people at Google "fix" it

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Remember Poland?


"He forgot Poland!" Bush's famous words during the 2004 election campaign when Bush reminded Kerry of the many countries that made up the vast coalition of the willing.

Seems that Poland was also willing to be a way station for the administrations extraordinary rendition program. Leading the investigation into the CIA's secret prison plan in Europe, Dick Marty, a Swiss senator, today released a report with specific evidence that both Poland and Romania were part of the coalition of the willing.

Poland and Romania were "detainee transfer/drop-off" points on the way to indefinite detention and torture, a violation of the European Convention on Human Rights.

Of course, Poland has a history with secret detention facilities.












Remember Auschwitz? Was that a cheap shot? I can hear the groans.

Ah well, never forget Poland.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

A brewski and a few hot dogs


I never thought I would be saying this, but hurray for Jeb Bush. OK, now I can be damned to hell for all eternity.

Bush signed the "doggie dining" bill this week allowing dogs to dine al fresco with their caretakers in Florida.

Bush added that the law would allow dogs and their owners to "have a brewski together, have a hot dog together or whatever they want outdoors."

A brewski and a hot dog? Do most people who go out to eat in Florida order a brewski and a hot dog? Might I suggest a cup of Joe and a box of Ho Hos for desert, madam?

According to Epicurious, the online magazine of culinary delights, every hot dog indeed has its day. In 2004, hot dogs were featured in America's Best Eats.

"Hot dogs are the most varied food group in the nation. Every region, every city, has its own particular way of cooking, dressing, and serving the all-American meal-in-a-bun," say Janet and Michael Stern who did the research.

Bet you didn't know that July was national hot dog month. Or that you could make these mouth watering recipes yourself; Hearty Hot Dog Soup, Spanish Hot Dogs and Rice, Cheddar Stuffed Franks in Buns, Hot Dogs Revisited, Hot Dog Surprise (isn't that redundant), and my favorite - the great French-American tradition - Hot Dog Provincale (which includes a clove of garlic, salt, pepper, onions, a touch of southern French romance, and of course a hot dog)

I guess that would account for why 60% of Florida adults are overweight or obese, according to the CDC. Lets hope their doggie compatriots don't follow the same trend.

New York, who ranks #1 for retail sales of hot dogs according to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, remains far behind Florida in its doggie legislation. Our canine companions are literally kicked to the curb when caught within site of a restaurant by panicky restauranteurs fearful of outrageous fines.

So come on liberal NY, get with the program and follow the Bushes. You don't want to lose any more anti-terrorism funding.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Has anyone seen my core values?

A U.S. military commander has ordered a refresher couse in "core warrior values training" for all soldiers in Iraq in the wake of the civilian massacre in Haditha. Atrocities - out, a kinder and gentler military - in.

Other courses being offered to soldiers:

- Blogging while on patrol
- So your wife left you and you lost your business: starting over on a shoestring
- Baghdad to Tehran, how to read the road signs so you don't get lost
- Democracy building 101; a neo-conservative guide to world peace with Paul Wolfowitz, Francis Fukuyama and Richard Perl
- Basic Iraqi dialect; what does 'get the f**K out of my country' really mean?

And the over subscribed seminar taught by Mr. Values himself, Dick Cheney,

- Why they hate us so much

Really folks, how do you teach values to soldiers fighting a war built on lies and deceit?

Lt. Gen. Peter W. Chiarelli, Multi-National Corps-Iraq commander, explained the program. "As military professionals, it is important that we take time to reflect on the values that separate us from our enemies."

Chiarelli went on do describe some of those differences. "The enemy tortures people. We, on the other hand, use enhanced interrogation techniques. The enemy kidnaps people. We extraordinarily render them to other places. The enemy are right wing, religious ideologues. We, on the other hand, have an intelligent design for democracy."

President Bush assured everyone that if Marines killed civilians in Haditha, "there will be punishment." And if the President lied us into a war that resulted in 100,000 Iraq cilivian casualties, 2500 American casualties, and 15,000 wounded, there will be...what exactly?

Sunday, May 28, 2006

The naked truth

It was a busy week for those who wanted to be seen, and those who didn't.

Sherpa Lakpa Tharke spent three cold minutes in the buff on top of Mount Everst, a first for Lakpa, and the mountain, in an attempt to achieve some over exposure for his under exposure.

Lakpa's moutain top striptease didn't put a smile on everyone's face. In fact, a number of sherpas have criticized him for defiling the mountain, which they consider holy.


Lakpa should take a lesson from the legion of wealthy daredevil climbers who trek up every year in the latest mountain wear, leaving trails of dollar bills, spent oxygen containers and other assorted trash - 50 tons in all - and treat the mountain with a little respect.

Lakpa raced past Mark Inglis, a double amputee who also set a less salacious Everst record this week, and an expiring Lincoln Hall, the famous Australian climber left for dead earlier in the week, in his mad dash to disrobe on the summit, yelling back to a very blue Lincoln, "you can have my clothes when I get to the top."



While sherpa Lakpa was achieving a first in the category of "most unlikely frostbitten area", across the world in an equally cold and barren spot on the globe, Lordi, those loveable monsters from Finland, were unwittingly unmasked, much to the horror of hundreds of thousands of fans, and the lead singer, who asked the media not to print his real - not so frightening - picture.

Lordi diehards signed an online petition protesting the unmasking. A tad ironic for a country more commonly known for the exploits of Linus Torvalds, the inventor of Linux, a freely sharable operating system founded on principals of openness.



Before shocking their fans with the revelation that they weren't really monsters, Lordi stunned the music world this year by winning the Eurovision contest, a competition known for its high standards, and exceptional selection criteria. Who can forget Sandie Shaw's winning 1966 entry, "Puppet On A String"?

Love is just like a merry-go-round
With all the fun in the air
One day I'm feeling down on the ground
Then I'm up in the air
Are you leading me on?
Tomorrow will you be gone?


Does 'air' really rhyme with 'air'? And yes Sandie, sadly tomorrow they will be gone.

The unmasking of Lordi may pick up momentum since the Finish are bullish about protecting fundamental rights to privacy. While I am all for protecting everyones right to privacy, couldn't Lordi fans have picked a more photogenic figurehead for this issue?

Back in America, Taylor Hicks, Birmingham, Alabama's favorite son, exposed himself to 40 million American viewers this week, and viewers liked what they saw. Taylor was voted American Idol by more Americans than voted in any US presidental election.

Before serenading America from a Hollywood sound stage, Taylor's list of prior prestigious venues includes "a couple of nights" at the Playboy Mansion, where he crooned before a scantily clad crowd of well wishers.

While Taylor Hicks was soul patroling his way to stardom, Jeff Skilling and Ken Lay were exposed for what they really are - a couple of guys living the American dream, and ruining everyone elses in the process.

A jury saw through the cheese cloth defense of Jeff Skilling and Ken Lay and found that the emporor really didn't have any clothes.

I see a trend here. Martha Stewart, born to Polish immigrants, got her start doing house chores and later selling stocks (oops) before becomming the diva of the divan. John Rigas, founder of Aldephi Communications, the prodigal son of Greek imigrants, started in business by running a movie theatre in 1951. Bernie Ebbers, founder of WorldCom, born into the family of a Canadian traveling salesman stated his career running motel chains. Ken Lay, founder of Enron, born to a Baptist preacher and tractor salesman in Missouri. What do they all have in common? These are the little guys who went bad in big way (minus Martha Stewart who was just an easy target). They are the American dream, the children of immigrants who started their own companies, pulled themselves up by the boot straps, and managed to get into a whole lot of trouble along the way.

It's the American dream gone bad.

But it's also easy pickings for the Department of Justice. What about the entrenched corporate scoundrles, the Exxon Mobiles, the Haliburtons? For now, they remain safely tucked away in their gold enlayed corporate cocoons.

And thats the naked truth.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Sucks to be poor



According to a new study out of Carnegie Mellon University, it really does suck to be poor.

In a groundbreaking new study, researchers found that having no money is directly related to higher levels of stress.

It reminds one of author and journalist Bill Vaughan's quote, "It would be nice if the poor were to get even half of the money that is spent in studying them."

According to the study, being poor coorelates to high levels of stress hormones, which can lead to health problems. Since the poor don't have health insurance, they get more stressed out, and have more health problems, in a downward spirial.

What can you do about stress? According FamilyDoctor.org, "the first step is to learn to recognize when you're feeling stressed." Check your bank account, it is a pretty good indicator. "One way is to avoid the event or thing that leads to your stress." In other words, just become weathy and you won't be stressed any more. Alternatively the website suggests meditation. On the November elections, perhaps.

Indeed, who would not have thought that being poor would make you stressed out? One the wealthiest men in America, apparantly, George W. who is busy making increasing the ranks of the impoverished and uninsured a hallmark of his eight year tenure.

In true dramatic irony that defines his speaches, in 2005, comparing a G8 summit meeting with the London Subway bombing, Bush remarked, "On the one hand, you have people working to alleviate poverty and rid the world of the pandemic of AIDS and ways to have a clean environment and, on the other hand, you have people working to kill people."

The Bush Administration has increased poverty, cut funding to Aids programs and still doesn't believe in global warming, which begs the question, who is killing who?

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

America, home of the Whopper


Our great Prevericator has Prevericated, giving a less than rousing immigration speach to the nation last night. Well, not the entire nation, just the restless masses waiting for him to stop talking so they could watch "24".

The great Pervericator's new "wack-a-mole" policy calls for sending in the National Guard. The same folks who signed up for one-month-a-year to be ready when aliens really do try to take over the United States. The same folks that are already doing fourteen month shifts in Iraq, loosing familes and small businesses in the process. The same folks who were stuck moving supplies around Iraq, instead of Louisiana after hurricane Katrina. They can now look forward to the prospect of retuning stateside and sitting on the Mexican border protecting us from the most feared terrorists on the planet; nannies, gardeners and garment workers.

After a false start that made President Bush look like a Mexican immigrant caught in Homeland Security headlights, the President finally lauched his makeshift policy raft announcing, "the debate over immigration reform has reached a time of decision." And who better to talk about making decisions than the Decider himself.

But instead of drifting towards sunny shores of high poll numbers and happy election prospects, Mr. Bush's raft seems to have run aground. The President's new appease-both-sides immigration policy had about as much nutritional content as a double whopper with cheese. But his oleaginous attempt to please everyone got the policy pundits and campaign managers on both sides drooling, thus ensuring that Americans will be sound-bitten to death with immigrantion reform talking points between now and November.

Why, I wonder, do any Hispanics still vote Republican? Like the Marfa lights hovering mysteriously at sunset in west Texas, it's just one of the great unknowns - until someone figures out that it is just swamp gas. Perhaps Woddy Allen hit the nail on the head when he said 'I wouldn't want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member.'

But the real news last night is that Jack is closing in on that spineless, crooked President Logan in yesterday's heart-pumpin' second-to-last episode of "24", allowing us to collectively fantisize about a corrupt and contemptible President actually facing justice. A tear came to my eye when Aaron Pierce, the patriotic secret service agent, having been bloody-nosed for uncovering the conspiracy, faced the President and said, "you are a disgrace to your country." Only happens on TV.

But the real, real news: you can now get your "24" on your ipod. With a whopper. Myspace.com and Burger King are offering downloadable "24" episodes for $1.99, thereby ensuring that the President's speech will never again come between Americans and their prime time programming.

So while you are doing the NSA's job for them by profiling all your friends on Myspace.com, you can enjoy a real whopper, not just the ones Bush served up to the nation last night, and fantasize about catching terrorists and bringing corrupt presidents to justice.

A word to the wise, el-Presidente: drop your Burger King inspired 'creepy border-control fear-mongering hold-onto-the-House-in-2006-so-I-don't-get-sent-to-the-big-house' campaign plan, and go with the MacDonalds multi-lingual yoga-inspired happy clown motif. They aren't the largest fast food chain in the world for nothin'.

Me? I prefer to bag my own lunch. Feta accompli!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

I am the Fibber

Say it ain't so George. According to USA Today, the government is collecting a massive database of American's phone calls. But President Bush today reassured America that the government is "not mining or trolling through the personal lives of millions of innocent Americans."

Now, most people would say that our great Decider is just fibracatin' again. But in truth he is not. Note the word innocent. Yes, contradicting his earlier assurances to the contrary, the government is in fact trolling through the "personal lives of millions of innocent Americans." But is anyone really innocent?

As Jesus said, let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

So let the NSA cast its web across America and reel in all 300 million of us, because we are all sinners of a sort.

And have a little patience. To quote our fearful leader, "This crusade, this war on terrorism is going to take a while."

Oh, and by the way NSA, since you are listening, can you send over a large pepperoni with a Coke please? I am going to be up late blogging.

This whole thing has inspired me to start my new Countdown To Impeachment. I am setting the clock at eight months.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Scary Move 4

Deep in the heart of Washington, a spying organization is being built, so frightening in its scope and nefarious in its deeds, that no American will ever be safe again! There will be nowhere to hid as it sucks in all your communications, watches your every move, and pervasively surveills all American citizens - for the safety the Vaterland.

Just another bad B-Hollywood script? Think again.

One of the chief architects and defenders of the Bush administration's warrantless domestic surveillance program, Air Force Gen. Michael Hayden, is taking over the CIA, yet another sign that the Bush Administration couldn't give a hoot what Americans think.


What's that? You don't want to be spied upon? OK, then I'll just put a military man who helped create my controversal domestic spying progam in charge of the CENTRAL Intelligence Agency. That way, my friend Negroponte, head of all sorts of intelligence stuff, can streamline the organization, ya see, make it more efficient, make it focus, on important things, like huntin' terrorists, and keepin' Americans safe, kinda like he did in the 1980s, when the CIA covertly funded the Contras in Honduras. Gotta go get me a beef brisket, he he.

Terrifying. And somehow humorous at the same time.

Spring cleaning has been fast and furious for an Administration whose poll numbers are sinking faster than the Titanic. But like a cornered Hollywood executive facing negative returns (or a blogger who has run out of fresh metaphors), the Administration seems to think the only way out is another lame sequel.

Previous Scary Moves:

Chief of Staff Andy Card, who helped create the marketing campaign for the Iraq war, out, Joshua Bolton in. This move earns half a star because, well, why not. No stars is so lonely.



Press Secretary Scott Mclellan out (don't cry Scott, it really was your job to lie), Tony Snow in. This move earns one star for entertainment value.



Karl Rove out as senior policy coordinator so he can work his magic on the fall campaigns, Joel D. Kaplan in. Sure Karl has less power around the White House, but come November, he will be scarier than ever. No stars here.



Gen. Michael Hayden replacing Porter Goss, this Scary Move again earns the Bush Administration no stars.



Will the horror never end? I can't wait for Scary Move 5.